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Conversation Tips

5 years ago

Many students have been coming to me asking for help with speaking to others in public. The fear of speaking to strangers really comes from the fear of seeming “weird” or looking foolish. You're essentially afraid of the other person’s reactions, like a strange look that says “I don’t want to talk to you”, or even someone laughing at you. (Of course, this very rarely happens in real life!).
To be honest, I still experience moments of fear when I start conversations in a language I am learning. It sometimes takes me a few minutes to get into the flow. Just know that this feeling is totally normal. Try to accept it as normal, and not to worry about it too much.

Step 1: Be Friendly!

The first key to feeling relaxed and getting over your fear is to have a good time and be friendly. Smile and enjoy the experience of meeting someone new. If you can relax and enjoy getting to know someone, then that will be felt by the other person and it will put them at ease.
Talking with someone who is super serious and has a grave expression is rarely enjoyable, so why put someone else through that? Relax your face and turn that frown upside down!
Talk to people as you would talk to a friend, and they may just become one.

Step 2: Take the Pressure Off

A lot of fear around starting conversations comes from putting pressure on yourself to have a certain result from the conversation.
So, stop having specific expectations about what will happen! Whatever happens happens. Don’t expect anything from yourself or the other person other than getting to know them a little better.
Also, don’t force a topic or be aggressive in what you’re trying to say. That type of energy is a turn-off to someone you’ve just met. Let the conversation flow naturally.
Finally, realize that you don’t need to become BFFs (“Best Friends Forever”) with your conversation partner. There are millions of native speakers out there, so becoming friends with this one person won’t determine your success as an English speaker. If the conversation doesn’t go well, that’s okay. The next opportunity is just around the corner.

Step 3: Remember, the World Doesn’t Revolve Around You

Don’t make the conversation only about yourself. Try to ask questions about the other person’s life. Only interject things about yourself when they are actually relevant to the topic.
What if they ask you a question about yourself? Answer it. But then ask them the same question. Often people ask questions they secretly want to be asked themselves, so turn the question around and see what your conversation partner has to say.
The most important thing is to not be forceful or seem desperate. Bring things up naturally and casually. People should never feel pressured to talk with you, so help them feel comfortable.

Step 4: Be Honest

When asking questions or talking about something, don’t make something up just because you memorised a particular phrase.
For example, don’t say “I love cats too!” if you actually hate cats. Or avoid saying “My uncle works in a factory” when you don’t even have an uncle, let alone one that works in a factory.
Make sure you say things that are true, even if it means searching for the words you need. Otherwise you could end up in a really awkward situation.

Step 5: Avoid Closed-Loop Questions

Questions that can only be answered with “yes” or “no” are what I call closed-loop questions, because they close down conversation. Open loop questions work much better when your aim is to keep a conversation going.
Let’s look at the difference between these through a couple of examples. Instead of asking the closed question “Do you like apple juice?”, ask the open question “What is your favourite type of juice?”
Or, instead of asking “Do you like spaghetti?” you can ask “How often do you eat Italian food?”
Open-loop questions invite further discussion, whereas a “yes” or “no” question usually just invites an end to the conversation.

I hope these tips helped. If you want to practice more, sign up for a lesson. Good luck.
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